LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize