So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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