Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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