I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
