i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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