my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
