Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dicks are not precious.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize