I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
