Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
