Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
