Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
