my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize