Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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