Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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