how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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