My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
