You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
