On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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