paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize