wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
