I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
