he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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