Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
