i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
