Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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