I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
