i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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