Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
