just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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