Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
