i need an iv and a liver transplant
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
