Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
