dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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