Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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