my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
