I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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