I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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