Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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