just tell him i said nine months
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
