Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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