When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
