can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
