Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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