Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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