Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
