I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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