I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
