420 ftw
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
