was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
