WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
