dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
