Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
