nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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