Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
