dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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