Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize