Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
