The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
