Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
a search helicopter?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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