When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
