she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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