how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
