Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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